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Buffalo Trace unveils plans for “Buffalo Bay” – A waterpark that reeks of bourbon.

Buffalo Trace unveils plans for “Buffalo Bay” – A waterpark that reeks of bourbon.

It’s no surprise that Buffalo Trace has experienced a huge decrease in sales over the past several years as more and more consumers are calling it quits with the once-loved brand. The main reason for the decline is easy to see. Bourbon drinkers claim they can’t get their hands on any of their products. So they’re boycotting the brand en masse.

Facebook groups are littered with enthusiasts complaining they can’t find everyday staples like Eagle Rare, Eagle Rare 17, Double Eagle Very Rare or Eagle Rare 25 Year Old Bourbon. Many drinkers have also become disenfranchised when they learn that there are two different styles of Blanton’s Toppers with the letter “N.”

Sazerac wants you back

Sazerac, the parent company of Buffalo Trace, is attempting to lure back their lost customers by green-lighting the funds for “Buffalo Bay” project – a $69 Million amusement park that they hope will become the second-largest tourist attraction in all of Kentucky (after the Ark Encounter, of course).

Everyone goes to the Ark Encounter to see the dinosaurs that Noah saved

According to Sazerac’s press team, the idea came to them while watching 5000 people stand in a line outside of their Frankfort location one rainy morning waiting to purchase mini-Blanton’s bottles (limit 1 per person). The huddled masses were soaked from head to toe and smelled like the floor of a nearby Honkytonk after a $3 Fireball Shooters night. If a bunch of people were this jazzed about getting soaked and sloshed, then why not charge them more for the same experience? Buffalo Bay was born.

Buffalo Bay – What we know so far

It appears that Buffalo Trace wanted to keep news of the planned theme park secret for as long as they could. But thankfully Instagram personality and super sleuth “Coming Whiskey” was monitoring the Kentucky Parks and Recreation ride submission page and gave us a heads up last week for several of the planned rides and attractions.

We only get a glimpse of the ones they’ve submitted right now, but we can expect more closer to opening day next year (which should be 4/20).

From the looks of it, Buffalo Trace and Sazerac are going wild on the names and trying to tie them in to their existing brands.

William Larue Waterslide

Tickets for this ride are extremely allocated

Elmer T. Logjam

Retail Price for this ride is only $40, but you’re probably going to pay $200

Mister Sam’s Splash Pad

Hey kids, you remember Sam Bronfman, right? Anyone?

Benchmark Bumper Cars

Hmmm, I’m not quite sure of the optics of this one.

CLIX Kiddie Pool

Drop your kids off in some of the smoothest water they’ll ever swim in

Fireball Freefall

Before riding this Power Tower, you have to take a shot of everyone’s favorite cinnamon whiskey

Thomas H House of Mirrors

I’ve got nothin’ for this one

Horsey-Topper Carousel

You can only ride this one if it’s your birthday or the birthday of one of your children

Rumors are also rife that there will be free bottles of Traveller Whiskey that vendors will try to get guests to leave with. Sazerac is sobering up to the warehouses of unsold bottles that they can’t sell. This is a last resort to clear some space for the 10x increase of Pappy Van Winkle products that will become available in 2025.

Update: Immediately upon recognizing that the secret was out, Sazerac announced that all tickets to Buffalo Bay are on allocation. Bots have managed to pre-buy every ticket on Buffalo Trace’s website and they are now available on the secondary market for 10 times more than retail.

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CB Vickrey

Friday 5th of April 2024

April Fools!